Quote:
Flattery?
A guy walks out of a public toilet with his **** protruding from his
pants.
An outraged spinster immediately accosts him. "Sir, your penis is
sticking out of your trousers! "
The guy looks down at his member & replied " Don’t flatter yourself
madam, its only hanging out! "
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Warning Labels on Appliances
On Odour Eaters: Please do not eat.
On a blender: On no account improvise as a fish aquarium.
On stockings: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
On gloves: For best results, do not leave at the crime scene.
On a fridge: Refrigerate after opening.
On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
On a cardboard windshield sun-shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place".
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
On a microscope: Objects in view are bigger and more frightening than they appear.
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
__________________________________________________ _____________________
The Stress Diet!
THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the
stress that builds up during the day:
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping
1 jar Nutella
DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
DIET RULES
1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories
2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the
chocolate bar is canceled out by the diet coke
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not
eat more than they do
4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot
chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner
6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of
the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes:
popcorn, choc tops, maltezers, jaffas and frozen cokes)
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up
causes calorie leakage
8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the
process of cooking something
9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat.
Examples
are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream, apples and red jelly snakes 10.
Chocolate is like a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any
other colour 11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to
gravity and the density of the calorie mass 12. Food consumed from
someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other
person and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling)!
And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!!
(¯`·._.·[AgeRage.Net Administrator]·._.·´¯) 
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