Originally Posted by monkey_ball

2 men and a snake fall of a building, dum dum sssss

I dont get it

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,
Two old men are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'

His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'
.................................................. .................................................. ......
What is the difference between a woman and a battery?

“A battery always has a positive side.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.'
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs.'

'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'

The doctor said,'Get on the table and let's have a look.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed, 'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs. This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'
.................................................. .................................................. ........

.
.................................................. .................................................. ..........
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Swimming
You just can't go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone's
swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, "How long you
gonna be using this lane, dude?"

"Until my bladder's empty, punk."
__________________________________________________ ____________________

How being a parent can change your life:

When a baby is born into a family it affects every one in that family. However, as you have baby 2 then baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably. Read these suggested differences and enjoy a laugh with Will and Guy.

Your clothing:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.
Getting ready for the day of the birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing as often as possible
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing your breathing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't help at all.
3rd baby: You accept an epidural injection as soon as it is offered.

Major concerns:

1st baby: At the first sign of upset, the slightest cry you pick up the baby for a cuddle.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours.
3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Dummies:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor you put it away until you can go home and disinfect it properly.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Buying a layette*:

1st baby: You wash the clothes before organising them into colour coordinated folded piles neatly laid out in the baby’s specially bought chest of drawers.
2nd baby: You make sure that the clothes are clean and throw only the ones with the dirtiest marks on them.
3rd baby: You are heard to say that boys can wear pink, no problem.

Note* Layette means all the clothes you need for a baby. Vests, cardigan, babygro all-in-ones and even bonnets.

Nappies: [Diapers in the USA]
1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every 2 to 3 hours, if required.
3rd baby: You change their nappy when others start to complain about the smell or you see it hanging down low.

What activities do you do with your youngster?

1st baby: You take your child to the Clinic, the Gym, the swimming pool and the Library for story time.
2nd baby: You take your youngster to the Clinic.
3rd baby: You take your child to Asda/Walmart.

Baby sitters:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home 4 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

How you react when at home with the baby:

1st baby: You spend a great deal of time every day just gazing lovingly at your baby.
2nd baby: You spend some of everyday keeping an eye open to ensure that your eldest child isn't squeezing, poking or hurting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend some of every day hiding from the children.

================================================== ===============
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a
nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter",
told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these
100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite
well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said
to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON
THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT
DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE!" So they wiggled up
close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the
photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S JUST GONNA
FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
================================================== =============

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.

How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.

It just has '4X' on it. “At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because

he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM

drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problems in the financial sector has now hit Japan:

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Oh yes, and the Kama Sutra bank is ****ed.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

__________________________________________________ _______________________
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You bastard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You bastard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a friggin' spanner, he said he didn't have one!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasse
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?

Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I had a flat tire

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, I carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! ''What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?

Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shut the hell Up !!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Give Microsoft a chance
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

Dial Tone
Tech Support: "Thank you for calling. May I have your phone number beginning with area code first, please?"
There was a pregnant pause, then a series of touch tones.

Tech Support: "Hello? I need your phone number, please."
More touch tones.

Tech Support: "Hi, can you hear me?"
Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Great, then can you please tell me your phone number so I can pull up your file?"
More touch tones.

Tech Support: "Sir, what's your name?"
Customer: Malcolm
Tech Support: "Great, now can you tell me your phone number?"
Touch tones again.

Tech Support: "Please, tell me your phone number."
Customer: "Again?"

Tech Support: "Yes sir, if you don't mind, but can you please just tell me verbally?"
Touch tones yet again.

Tech Support: "Sir, contrary to popular opinion, support is not half machine. I'll need you to verbally tell me your phone number with your mouth so I can bring up your account info, got it?"
Customer: "You people are rude as well as incompetent."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'"

On the PA system:

"Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things learned from TV:

All crimes are solved in 1 hour.

The Good guy always wins.

When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.

A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.

All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.

When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things to Say at a Job Interview

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Mention that you would be little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police recently discovered the body of an adult male wearing fish net stockings, high heels and a Detroit Lions jersey floating in the Detroit river. Also discovered was a strap on ***** and a cucumber in the mans rear end. Police promptly removed the Detroit Lions jersey to save the family from any embarrassment.

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Originally Posted by OnE_HiTtEr_qUiT

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

OUCH LMAO

Whats the difference between road kill and a dead layer on the road?
There are skid marks in front the the road kill...

Originally Posted by OnE_HiTtEr_qUiT

Whats the difference between road kill and a dead layer on the road?
There are skid marks in front the the road kill...

OUCH LMAO

Originally Posted by Minimofo

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,

"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up c**ts."

I lol'd